Dear sEaMcRaZy

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Welcome to our Dear sEaMcRaZy column for the answers to crafty questions that you were afraid to ask, but did anyway.  Are you brave enough to talk through your problems with Dear sEaMcRaZy?  Send us your questions, dearseamcrazy@seamcrazy.com

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Dear sEaMcRaZy,
My girlfriend has started attending meetings where the ladies all sit around and knit, crochet, and sew. What happened to my sky-diving, bungee-jumping daredevil sweetheart?
– Jumping Alone

Dear Jumping, 
Sharp

Sharp

It sounds like your gal has decided that pointy hooks, sticks, scissors, and needles are plenty risky.
Don’t complain or you might see how sharp her new toys really are…
Sincerely, 
~sEaMcRaZy~

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Dear sEaMcRaZy,
I just started my fifth “Martha’s poncho” in two weeks today. What is wrong with me?
– Delirious in Idaho

Dear Delirious, 
You have developed “stewartponchitus,” a very serious, but unfortunately, fairly common inflammation of the brain.  Have you ever visited Camp Cupcake?  Be sure to see your parole officer immediately.  Your crochet hook may actually be considered a weapon of mass destruction. 
Sincerely, 
~sEaMcRaZy~
 
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Dear sEaMcRaZy,
I admitted to my sister that I have a “thing” for fuzzy eyelash yarn. Now she won’t talk to me. What should I do?
– Too Honest for My Own Good

Dear Honest, 
 
[crickets chirping]
 
Sincerely, 
~sEaMcRaZy~
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Dear sEaMcRaZy
My cousin keeps asking me if I want her to make me a scarf out of Homespun.  That would be OK, but she has already made me 10 of them. Does she really think that it gets cold enough here to wear that many Homespun scarves?
– Toasty in Hawaii

Dear Toasty, 
You never know when the next Ice Age is coming. Stock up. 
Sincerely, 
~sEaMcRaZy~
 
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Dear sEaMcRaZy,
I lost my will to knit and have taken a liking to crocheting. Should I be concerned?
-Switching in Toledo

Dear Switching, 
I don’t believe the knitting fairy will be too angry with you, although you never know about the purling fairy – she is a little unstable.  I suggest that you keep your knitting needles close by just in case crocheting does not satisfy an urge to frog.  Even the best of us do a good bit of switching around, even sewing fabric on occasion.  It’s not about the process, it’s about being creative. But don’t take my word for it – the purling fairy might be listening.
Sincerely,
~sEaMcRaZy~
 
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Dear sEaMcRaZy,
My mother has joined a quilting bee, and I’m getting worried about her. She buys perfectly good (and perfectly expensive) material and proceeds to cut it up into small pieces, then sew it back together again. This does not seem normal to me. Thoughts?
-Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Dear Perplexed,
Your mother has been stung by a very wicked bee that forces her to make puzzle pieces of fabric. This is quite harmless – but just in case, keep your clothes under lock and key. You might come home to find your shirts are now part of a bedspread.
Sincerely, 
~sEaMcRaZy~
 
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Dear sEaMcRaZy,
I found a bunch of crochet books from the 70’s at a yard sale. I thought the 70’s were supposed to be cool, but these patterns are just ugly. What do I do with the books now?
– Bargain Hunter70spattern.jpg

 

Dear Bargain,
Do what we did in the the 70’s.  Burn them. 

Sincerely, 
~sEaMcRaZy~
 
 
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Dear sEaMcRaZy
I get started on a sewing project and find it hard to quit and go to bed. What is the best way to put aside my sewing?
-Stuck on Sewing

Dear Stuck,
Good news! NASA has developed a device that you can wear so that you can sleep at your sewing machine table and never have to go to bed – or get up and go to the bathroom. You will be able to sit there forever and sew. Ben & Jerry’s is also working on a nourishment funnel attached to the freezer that will make it easier still.
Sincerely, 

~sEaMcRaZy~
 
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Dear sEaMcRaZy,
My wife gets out her yarn bag just before we go to bed for the night.  She then sits in bed and knits which is definitely not “sexy.” I end up falling asleep and am a bit frustrated as you can tell.  What should I do?
– Turned off in Tupelo

Dear Turned,
Sleep on the couch.
Sincerely, 
~sEaMcRaZy~
 
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Dear sEaMcRaZy,
I made my dog the cutest little paw-shoes that I found in a book. He bit me when I tried to put them on his feet. What do I do now?
– Recovering in Florida

Dear Recovering,
Dogs are notorious for being image and fashion-conscious. Paw-shoes are definitely non- “G.” Put them on your cat. Let me know how that goes.
Sincerely, 
~sEaMcRaZy~
 
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Dear sEaMcRaZy,
Sometimes it feels like I “un-sew” more than I “sew.” What would happen if that were true?
– Seam Ripper in Cincinnati

Dear Seam Ripper, 
Un-sewing is a little like backwards evolution. You might be surprised to find that you are altering mankind’s history forever with your seam ripper. Do you have insurance?
Sincerely, 

~sEaMcRaZy~